Bowers for President

Enough horsing around, guys. It's time to get serious. I have a family now, a wife and stepson to provide for and take care of. One day we hope to grow our family which is some added responsibility. True I did recently get a promotion and that's all grand, but I want my family to truly live comfortably in a wonderful home with beautiful things, people waiting on them hand and foot, and all the luxuries of life

However, in order to do this, I've got to stop being one of these hard-working Americans and give politics a shot. It's a much cushier lifestyle to be the one governing and taxing people. They have brain trusts to provide them ideas, budgets to provide them Armani suits, lobbyists to provide them money (and ads, and ideas, and political views), and taxpayers to provide them a salary and pension. Sounds like my kind of gig.

So with that, it's official. I'm declaring myself as a candidate for the United States Presidency. Bowers 2020. Yeah I gotta wait until I'm over 35; I'm gonna be President but I'm not so awesome that I'm gonna be one of those Amendment to the Constitution game changers.

But 2020 is my year! I have carefully studied a list of seemingly unwritten prerequisites for this gig down, so I think this one's in the bag. Here's the checklist:

You have to be male. 1 for 1.

You have to be married. 2 for 2. Only James Buchanan wasn't and a Civil War broke out after he was in office. I don't know what you might infer from that but it is part of the equation. It also doesn't hurt if your wife is good-looking. Check. And check.

You have to be rich. Occasionally filthy rich. Crap. But on second thought there may be hope. A couple of Presidents were actually born poor and the last one Herbert Hoover was President during the beginning of the Great Depression. Being as how our economy has gone down the Johnny Flusher, I might be able to play this angle. We're still in there with a chance.

By 2020, it is estimated that almost 20% of the U.S. population will be Hispanic. You say "Yes we can", Barack? I say "Si, nosotros podemos!"

It helps to have a military or law background. My dad was in the army so I was born an army brat. And I took a law class one time. Close enough.

You have to like golf. The Bushes did, Clinton did, Ford did. I can roll with that.

You have to be an idealist. People get confused about this one, and that is their downfall. Look at Obama. He had ideas on how to correct the wrongs of government. Wrong position. You have to have ideas, Barack, just ideas. Not solutions. Solutions are dangerous; they can fail. Take a stance; talk about the issues. But for goodness sake don't discuss solving them.

Believe in aliens. Jimmy Carter did. Ronald Reagan did. And to hear Republicans talk, Ronald Reagan is a god. In other words, outright insanity is perfectly acceptable. I don't consider myself insane, but I can play a part and throw a couple of Area 51 references into my campaign slogan.

You have to give people hope. If I've noticed one thing it's that Democrats wanted things to be different than in the Bush years and Republicans are praying for something different than Obama. I will instead focus on copying every move of Bill Clinton's presidency. Well except the Monica Lewinsky one. His time in office seems to be something people can agree on. I've been trying to find someone that thought Bill wasn't a good President; hasn't happened yet.

There's the road map. All I need is a campaign bus, a swell tie, and some smooth talking and I'm on my way.

Can I count on your vote?